Stories
Dosmasks Weekly
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Stories from the Myspace Portrait Project
Pete couldn’t handle all the attention Jeff was getting for the Portrait Project, so he started writing stories based only on the drawings and the people’s names. Any similarity to actual people is accidental and really a compliment to the author.
Some of the stories:
- How I Need a Hand in Mine to Feel
- A Single Drop of Water Helps to Swell the Ocean
- Why Won’t You Love Me?!
Read Them All »
GFE-Girlfriend Experience
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914),
The Devil’s Dictionary
It didn’t make any sense. I just lost my head and let all my planning go to shit. I guess you call it an addict’s mind, the horses of desire dragging the sullen saint inside of me, etc. But in a few minutes I wasted the most fascinating research that I have ever conducted, and made a completely foolish decision. For weeks --whenever I shouldn’t be-- I had been searching for the perfect escort. In minutes, I gave all that up and made a date with the first girl I could get to meet me. Read Full Story »
Rekindling High School Romance
Being paranoid is really just the ability to read minds incorrectly. I got tired of people saying I’m paranoid (and being paranoid, I guess), so I’m glad I quit doing drugs. I have enough trouble reading my own mind; the best move was just to leave everyone else’s mind alone. Looking back, I probably should have quit way earlier. Read Full Story »
The Day that No One Came to Work
Their relationship started on the phone. He would call right before she went to bed. Janice under her white duvet with no cover, Bill glowing in front of his 24-inch flat screen monitor; they would trade secrets across the moving static of their connection until Janice would fall asleep. Bill kept listening, trying to find her breath and then the hollow grumble inside her nose through the phone’s balmy hum. Then he’d whisper, "Goodnight." He was that sweet on her. Read Full Story »
The Day that No One Came to Work
An old story about the sorry relationship between art and trying to meet girls. Read Full Story »
McDonalds Manager for a Day
My apologies to the San Fernando Valley. Read Full Story »
So... I Was RIght
Jon Reep goes from the middle of nowhere to his first network television appearance. Read Full Story »
Girls Are Scary
Included in the book. It’s about this real cute couple and shit. Read Full Story »
August 22, 2003
A second draft of a story in the form of a friendly letter. Shit all over it! Read Full Story »
Jewish Jokes
Why do we crucify ourselves? Read Full Story »
A Thirty-Year Event
Hanging out with school teachers whom carry bags that feature cartoons of their pets upon them... Read Full Story »
My Treat
So long that it will never be read on the Internet, again. Read Full Story »
So Obviously Alone
Does homosexuality equal misery or is it like Dr. Phil says? Read Full Story »
Plus Sized Model
Fat guy tells all. Read Full Story »
talker_moaner_screamer
Hot scary robot sex. Read Full Story »
Drama Kids
High School Administrators gone wild. Read Full Story »
The Attraction was Immediate
A massacre of subtlety. Read Full Story »
The Homeless Troll and the Cat with the Hitler Moustache
Adapted from the Greek. Read Full Story »
Fuck Them
In which I discover I am not good at much. Read Full Story »
A New Miracle for Hannukah
More on Secular Judiasm just for yucks. Read Full Story »
No Judgements
Steven from the Real World Vegas meets my gas. Read Full Story »
Hello, Complete Idiot
Christmas to this Jew. Read Full Story »