“I may be a bit of a Jew.”
-Sylvia Plath, “Daddy”
I believe that there are three basic themes for Jewish jokes:
A) Being cheap
B) Having big noses
C) Killing Christ
There are variations. Skilled and usually Jewish humorists find a way to joke around with the Holocaust but that’s for another essay. These three themes comprise the mainstream humor related to Jews. We are generous only with our nostrils and kill the best God ever. Of all those I am most fond of the Christ-killing bit. They always say without the Crucifixion there would be no Christianity. So in a way, killing Christ was kinda a great thing.
Often when people approach me and say, “What the fuck, Jew? Why did you kill Christ?”
I always say, “Sorry we killed your God and all, but don’t you fuckin’ talk to me like that. You see what he got? Think it’s hard to do that? Anyone got two pieces of wood around?”
I think people give God way too much credit for the Crucifixion. They say he loved the world so much that he gave his only begotten son. Recently some woman (a little Asian woman, to be exact) approached me on the street to brag that her God loved the world so much that he gave his only son for it. She told me that she had a son and she wouldn’t give him up for anything in the world. Mostly because she wasn’t as great as God but also because her son was so handsome, like me (was she picking up on me or using evangelical tactics? I still wonder).
“Well,” I told her, “that makes you a better parent than God. I’m sure your son is glad that you aren’t as great as God. God needs some parenting classes.” God has a long History of being a dick. So much so that now whenever anything bad happens people say something like, “God has a reason for everything that happens.” Well, if God does have a reason for all the horrible things that happen, the reason is God is a dick.
There’s no reason good enough to explain a lot of this shit.
From the anecdotal like: God wants Christopher Reeve to spend the rest of his life like he’s frozen in the worst position of a Sealy Posturepedic?
To the superficial like: God wants Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen to earn more than all the teachers in Arizona combined?
To the obvious like: God wants Iraqi children to get hit in the head with a Cruise Missile that cost more than feeding them an entire decade would?
Again, the only reason that makes sense, our Supreme Being is a dick.
So, I’m OK with the Messiah killing thing and ultimately the nose thing. Because this nose is the mark of a killer. This nose means DANGER. The cheap thing still bothers me because, at least for this secular Jew, it’s true as fuck!
So that you don’t get on the bad side of the wrong race of people to fuck with, here’s a list of new topics of humor that will be great around your chosen friends:
Better Themes for Jewish Jokes
A) Horseradish- what part of the horse is the radish?
B) EXTREMELY LARGE NOSES
C) Delis and how delicious they are and how thankful you people should be for Jews… HELLO Penicillin? The Three Stooges?
I mean who else are all the Asian women going to marry?
Thanks.