To save our families, our way of life and the rest of our luxurious amenities—like my iPhone 3-mutherfucking-G or air conditioning or fine Corinthian leather—divorce must be illegal.

We all know that marriage is the cornerstone, the rock, the Mama Judd of American life. Without marriage there would be no weddings, no bachelor parties, no rule of law, no respect or decency or ability to parse right from wrong. And without wives there certainly would be no one to incessantly complain about any of these things.

Ask any American what has empowered this country to become the most powerful nation in the world. They’ll tell you: It’s either marriage or nuclear weapons. And believe me, we’re not giving either of them up.

Now, as everybody knows, marriage is entirely about the children. If you can’t have children, why do you deserve the sanctity, comfort and tax benefits of marriage? A core bond of monogamous child producing is the only reason that we are able to have the finer things in life like matinée movies, dishwashers and fudge. Statistics, things with % in them, show that marriages that produce children last much longer and are far more American.

But we cannot let the status quo of marriage go on with the freewheeling attitude we’ve developed since Bill Clinton first played his saxophone on television.

Marriage is in crisis. As God says unmistakably in the Bible on page 2 or 3, marriage has to be between a man and a woman. It’s right after the passages where God makes the point about it being Adam and Eve and NOT Adam and Steve.

Let me make this clear: I have searched the Bible completely. I don’t think there’s even a guy named Steve in there, so obviously homosexuality is wrong. It’s terrible. It’s up there with some of the worst sins of Leviticus like eating shellfish, not caring for your slaves or dishonoring the Sabbath.

Know this: God clearly says he will send wild animals to devour your children if you do not obey him, gays. So don’t even try to have any more children, weird Asian transgendered woman/man who was on Oprah!

With California legalizing marriage between adults of the same gender, we must defend marriage. And we have to do it now before the stubborn nucleus and heart of this society, marriage, is allowed to waste away like the fatty parts of a Thanksgiving turkey. If we don’t do this, we might as well invite the suicide bombers over for lunch and negotiate with them before they blow us all up and marry our sons.

So, here’s my simple plan for saving marriage.

1. Make divorce illegal.
If we believe in marriage, it should at least be as serious as an appointment to the Supreme Court or a tattoo. All married people who attempt to divorce will be incarcerated, of course, along with their entire family. Because that’s how important marriage is.

2. If you get someone pregnant, you are officially married to that person.
I understand that this makes bigamy necessary. And bigamy is fine as long as it is between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman, right?

3. All married people must live together.
If you have a kid with someone, as Dr. Laura explains in reasoned, measured tones, you have to stay together. So I don’t care if you have a studio apartment or a tepee or a foreclosed McMansion, cohabitation is a must. I don’t care how many kids and wives you have all over the world, get them together and be American about your marriages people. With this law firmly in effect, we will likely have several married couples living together in the same household. What else could be better?

4. If a married couple doesn’t have children within a year, they must adopt.
This forced adoption regime is way to solve nearly every problem we have. If a mother knows a child will have a decent, permanent home with a family that is forced by law to live together, how will they ever chose abortion. Plus, abortion would be illegal anyway since as soon as anyone conceives they are married and abortion would constitute divorce, which would be illegal.

Now, it’s not our custom to round up our enemies and put them in camps, unless we are at war with them or they are somewhat Asian in appearance. So to offer a small condolence to our Gays, I do think we need to offer them something instead of marriage. We need to get rid of this Domestic Partnership BS, which is basically marriage with bad branding. But Gays should be allowed something. Gays should be allowed to go Steady. Going Steady should have all the benefits of any steady relationship: the right to exchange jewelry or to talk on the phone all night or to break up and engage in a decent relationship with someone who isn’t a Steve.

Without marriage, America would basically be Mexico. And then Mexico would become Guatemala or something. We cannot do that to Mexico, and we cannot do that to our selves. Now is the time to stand for what we believe in. Now is the time to stand against divorce and for bigamy and forced cohabitation and compulsory adoption.

God bless America, and God bless marriage.

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