Know this: The Post-9/11 Mentality saved us from the Taliban. The Post-9/11 Mentality kept Saddam Hussein from marching into Times Square with a nuclear warhead filled with Nigerian Uranium strapped on his back. The Post-9/11 Mentality will prevent Iran from wiping Israel off the map. And, most importantly, the Post-9/11 Mentality is what kept the evil sonofabitch liberals from raising the dividend tax on those patriots earning over $250,000 a year.

The Post-9/11 Mentality is how we got rid of New Orleans. It’s how we empowered the airline industry to thrust itself to the point of bankruptcy. It’s how we continue to avert the nightmare of universal health care. The Post-9/11 Mentality says NO to blowjobs in the oval office and YES to no-bid contracts in Iraq. The Post-9/11 Mentality is all about Patriotism, all about forcing the world to admit that the USA is the best planet on the face of the earth and all about questioning what will happen if we allow gays to marry.

My prediction? If the we go back to a Pre-9/11 Mentality, male goats will immediately begin marrying human infants. Those poor kids.

Do you even remember the Pre-9/11 Mentality?

It’s hard to recall that screwed-up, wacko, giddy, nearly girlish point of view.

Let me remind you what Americans used to think before 9/11. Back then we saw all Americans over 18 years of age as adults worthy of their rights even if they had a diapering fetish or made the risky gamble of placing a phone call to a foreign country. Back then the government was actually embarrassed to spy on its citizens. The writ of Habeas corpus, the ability to question detention by government, was a given, even for—get this—prisoners of Arab or Muslim decent. Before 9/11, the President wouldn’t have dared to honor all Latinos by nominating a hero–who endorsed the so-called torture of enemy combatants like Alberto Gonzales–to become Attorney General.

I doubt you younglings remember what life was like before 9/11. But things were very, very different. Back then you could bring pretty much any liquid you wanted on an airplane. The Taliban was well respected for destroying unpleasant Buddhist ruins and containing the rights of women, which at the time had reached an insane peak with the success of the femo-Nazi epic Sex and the City.

Life before September 11 wouldn’t be recognizable to most of you today.

Just look at the insane things we believed back then:

1. The Saudi Arabians are probably our friends.

2. Oil will always be cheap.

3. Britney is a virgin.

4. George W. Bush is a competent if untested leader.

5. Saddam Hussein is an evil yet contained despot.

It was that kind of shortsighted thinking that caused 9/11. We now know that the Saudis are DEFINITELY our friends, even if most of the hijackers were Saudis and their Government is doing nothing to control the price of oil.

We also now know that Britney was a bit of a slut back before 9/11. It’s only the Post-9/11 Mentality that allowed her to become a mother and get her life under control.  The Pre-9/11 Mentality says we should use bananas to show children how to use condoms.  The Post-9/11 Mentality knows that real Americans wait until marriage before mastering the art of lovemaking in secure womb of monogamous marriage.

Now give me forty years for this next point to become completely self evident, but clearly George W. Bush is the greatest President the greatest country on the face of the earth has ever had. While his critics see his tenure as a blend of the worst qualities of both the Nixon and Carter Administrations, it’s obvious that he will eventually be seen as the man who made Democracy possible for the people who hate America the most.

Since 9/11 we’ve learned that Saddam Hussein was clearly on a path to world domination. That his regime fell in days and he was found hiding in something called a spider hole is merely a testament to the strength of the Post-9/11 Mentality.

Only with the Post-9/11 Mentality can we look at the world as it meant to be. The Earth is divided into groups who deserve nuclear weapons and those who must be invaded so they never get nuclear weapons, unless they are North Korea.

Also, the world exists so that we can drill for more oil. Because as anyone with a Post-9/11 Mentality will tell you: Drilling for oil is the solution for every problem.

Browse Timeline

• « What You Need to Know About Murder
• » Save Marriage—Outlaw Divorce and Legalize Bigamy

Comments ( 3 )

Add a Comment